The Non Pet Diaries Part IX: Goodbye and love always my big brave brother Craig Jones

[Cass]

Hello everyone,

I'm doing something different this issue. I'm not writing about my pets, even though I know that's what this website is all about. You've given me support when my Buster baby died, and while I can't expect you to do the same this time I just have to let my feelings out and this website was the first thing I thought of.

Those of you that love your pets and motorsports will most likely know that Craig Jones, a favourite to become World Champion died early on 4th August. He lost control of his motorbike while trying to take the lead and was hit by the bike right behind him, they did manage to revive him but he was brain dead and our Mum and Dad had to make the choice to turn off the life support. Well my full name is Cassie Jones, and Craig was my big brother. I can't tell you how fast the last few days have gone by, for me, our parents, our sister Kirsty and our family

I know this sounds stupid and selfish, but Craig wasn't always in Mum, Dad and Kirsty's life. All I know is that for my entire life I've had a big brother, and now I don't anymore.

If any of you think this is terrible then you're right, because I'm disgusted with myself for thinking it. The night he was in hospital, I couldn't make the trip and I'll always regret that for the rest of my life. But what makes my heart clench is that I actually thought 'if he's going to die then let him die'.

What kind of a sister am I for thinking that? People have told me I thought it because I didn't want him to be in pain and of course I didn't, but I still hate myself for thinking it and not preying hard enough. I know I got by when Buster died, but this is so much more devastating that I can ever say. I didn't see him everyday as he lived so far away, and I can't even remember the last time I called him just to say I love you and now I never can ever again.

I never went to watch him race, because I'd never liked bikes. I should have gone to watch him and cheer for him, now I'll never get that chance and I'll never see my wonderful, caring big brother again.

I know and accept I'm not worth a millionth of what he was, but I just needed to tell someone how I'm feeling. So that's why I'm turning to your website, even though this is a non Pet Diary issue and I really wish I could give you all a funny story about how Kai escaped without his collar on and I had to chase him down the garden without shoes and stepped on a slug getting him back.

Please know I'm not lying, Craig was my big brother and I'll never be able to see him become World Champion, get married to his fiance or to have a beautiful little boy of his own someday.

How can God be so cruel? He was only 23, it's not even in the realm of fair. I have no idea how my family will survive this, or how I can ever move on because even though I didn't deserve him he was my big brother and I love and miss him so much.

Sorry for burdening you all with this, but I had to write down what I was feeling or I'd crack up. To those of you that watched his races, please know he died doing what he loved and that he touched so many peoples' lives.

Many, many thanks to those of you that gave me strength when Buster died and many thanks to those of you that cheered for him throughout his journey to the World Superbikes.

Many thanks, Cassie Jones

[janking]

First of all Cassie..it doesnt matter what you post on here..doesnt have to be pet-related. We have all posted about things that have happened in our lives..we all come here for comfort and understanding.
Words cant express how I feel for you right now. I know you are feeling very sad and feeling some guilt and remorse..thats ok and its normal..everyone goes through that..especially when a loved one that we couldnt see very much passes away like your brother did. Please remember that he WAS your brother and he loved you and you loved him, even if there were miles and miles between you..and Im sure he understood why you didnt go watch him race..i bet thats hard on families to watch that. Im not a big fan of motor races so I wasnt familiar with your brothers racing, but I know there are quite a few racing fans on this forum. I bet you were very proud of him and I bet he knew that too.
Please know that I am thinking of you and your whole family and sending you hugs!!!!

[auntietonka]

Cassie, My thoughts and prayers are going out to you and your family. It is so hard to lose a loved one. Like Janet said it is normal to feel quilt right now. Your brother loved you and knew you loved him. It will take a very long time but things will get better. You have all of us here whenever you need to talk.
Big hugs to you and hang in there.

[Worthless Mutt]

Cassie, I am so sorry for the loss of your brother. I'm afraid of saying the wrong thing, but I feel I need to say something. I realize that this post is rather long, but I want you know that I have carefully thought through these words, and I sincerely hope that they will bring you some comfort.

First, I have to admit that I cannot imagine the extent of your grief as I have never been through what you are facing now. Sure, I've lost grandparents, distant relatives, and a few pets, but never an immediate member of my family. I don't know what I would do if I lost any one of them.

Still, I have had feelings similar to the ones you have described, and I understand them. A few years ago, I fostered a pregnant dog for the humane society. To make a long story short, she had very serious complications. There was a point when I wanted to throw in the towel, and I had actually planned to tell the shelter staff they should just put her down. Two long weeks and two major surgeries later, she made a full recovery and ended up being adopted by a wonderful family. Words can't say how happy it made me that things turned out so well, but I felt bad (and rather silly) for wanting to have her put down. It wasn't because I didn't love her. It was because I was so tired of dealing with her problems, and I reached the point the where I could no longer deal with it, and my mind just gave up.

If you say feeling that way about an animal is much less significant than thinking that way about your brother, I would agree. But that's the point. Suddenly hearing that your brother is in the hospital with life-threatening injuries is devastating news, and your mind simply cannot be prepared for it. It's too much to process all at once. As bad as it sounds, thinking "let him die" does not mean you're a bad sister, it does not mean that you didn't love him, and it certainly doesn't mean you are not worth as much. It's just a momentary reaction to a devastating situation; it is not by any means a reflection of who you are.

You are right; it's not fair. It's not fair that your brother still had his whole life ahead of him, and it was just snuffed out in an instant. It's not fair to you either. As you said, he's always been there; he's part of the foundation on which your life is built, and now a sacred cornerstone has been ripped from your life without warning. Sure, when I've lost dogs in the past, I was able to pick up the pieces and move on, but I don't know how to rebuild the house when an important and irreplacable part of the foundation is gone.

I can certainly understand being angry at God; I've been mad at Him for things much smaller. My advice (which may offend some people), is to tell God you are angry and why. Just let yourself vent, then stop and listen, and I believe He will answer. On more than one occasion, He has answered me when I did that. He did not answer with words, but He did calm my soul every time. (That's how I know He's real.)

Do I believe God had a reason for taking your brother from you? Yes.
Do I have any idea what that reason is? No.
What I do know is this: It is not because you didn't pray hard enough, and it was not to punish you for sin.

Here is a YouTube video of one of my favorite songs. I hope it will help you sort through your feelings and find strength to go on. For now, I am on my knees asking God to be with you and comfort you and your family.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JjTOh7D5S08

"Held" - Natalie Grant

Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.

Who told us we'd be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It's unfair.

Chorus:
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred numb our sorrow.
The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

Bridge:
If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

[crispy]

Cassie you poor poor girl, I am so sorry for this totally unexpected, undeserved tragedy you are facing. Your emotions must be whirling and swirling and nothing is normal anymore, nothing feels good anymore, nobody seems the same anymore and simply put your whole world is upside down. I know we all say time will heal etc etc but you are dealing with the now. And now is horrible! You wish you could turn back the clock and make right all the things YOU think are wrong or that you would change. That is a normal reaction but honestly its a good thing we can't do that and it's a good thing in many ways that we cannot foresee the sad things and the losses because we would try to change our behaviour and that is not what is meant to be. You lived as you were supposed to and your brother did as well. And you weren't wrong for your thoughts. That was a selfless thought borne out of love and caring for your brother. You knew in your heart that it was the best thing for him at that time because if he was brain dead there would be no coming back and if he would be on life support for whatever length of time he had left that would have been worse. Because you could never stand seeing him like that and you could never start the healing process that begins after a loss.
God doesn't mind that you are angry Cass, he understands that. I have been angry many many times as well but I know he is still there even if I don't understand why things have happened the way they did.
Your brother lived a life that had its dangers but he lived his life on his terms and I am sure that although he was so young and didn't want to go this soon he was grateful to be able to do what he loved. How many of us have the guts to do that? It isn't fair that he went so young with so much life ahead of him and I am so sorry that happened. I wish I could express myself like Greg just did because I want to say more but I just don't know anymore words to say except I am sorry and I hurt for you. I want you to feel better but I know that wont be for a long time and I am sorry you will be going through that. Please pass along our thoughts and prayers to your family Cass.

[LadyTalisman]

Cassie always remeber this we are all here for you at anytime you need us.

I found this tribute to your brother I hope you don't mind.

http://www.lastingtribute.co.uk/tribute/jones/2867306


Tear Drop Angel.gif

[Joy]

Cassie,

I'm sorry for the loss of your brother. My big brother passed away three years ago and I think about him every day. Feel free to post anything you are feeling, whether you think it is good or bad. Trust me, I have posted many good and bad things here, and no one judges my words, and for that I'm grateful.